The Sarcasm Report v.221

July 20, 2015
Kiplinger: Great Mutual Funds to Earn Income for Retirement

He has also built big positions in Venezuela and Russia, two oil-exporting countries where falling energy prices have pushed up yields. Carlson believes the countries can still make good on their debt—and, over the years, he has often been proved right.

So, there I was in the casino using my guaranteed system that was sometimes proved right. This guy comes in and sits down next to me. We started talking about the hypnotic qualities of the roulette table. Over the next few hours something miraculous happened. He was consistently losing about half as much as me. I asked him how he did it.

It turns out that he was using a guaranteed system that has often been proved right. That was clearly a step up from my system. I obviously wanted to know more. He would not tell me the details though. Said it was a trade secret and that telling me could result in him being banned from the casino.

So, I began to observe his play more closely looking for any possible patterns in his betting. After several more hours it hit me like a ton of bricks. He was only betting half as much as I was. I was floored. Why hadn't anyone else thought to do this? I was gambling in the presence of genius!

I tried using his guaranteed system and more often than not, it did indeed prove right. However, the thrill just wasn't there. I could not maintain the slower pace. Boredom set in. That's when I thought up a third guaranteed system. I used my credit card to increase how many chips I could have at the table. Turns out that the more chips you start with, the longer you can play! It almost always has been proved right so far!!

My quest for a guaranteed system that is always proved right continues to elude me, but that's okay. It is only a matter of time before I stumble upon it and win back everything I have lost, and then some.

Mathematical gambling proofs, baby. That's what I am talking about.