Thursday, August 13, 2015

If You Listen to Glenn Beck Religiously, Then Please Heed His Advice!

August 13, 2015
Glenn Beck lists 15 cities “to avoid like the plague”: Seattle is No. 3

As one who lives in the Seattle area, I could not agree more! You cannot be happy here!!

The former Fox News pundit Glenn Beck, a native of Washington, has ranked Seattle as No. 3 on a list of what he calls “15 cities to avoid like the plague when things go bad,” a list based on cities’ lack of religious observance.

“These are cities to avoid like the plague and if you look at that list, these are the cities that are already having trouble and we haven’t even hit the road bump,” Beck said Tuesday on his radio program.”

People living in Seattle are generally open-minded, laid-back, and friendly. There's ample seafood. We have mountain ranges, clean air, and awe-inspiring state and national parks. We care about our environment. There's no state income tax. The unemployment rate is far below the national average. It's also a well-educated city with plenty of creativity. We have many tech companies positioning themselves for the future. Both and Starbucks are headquartered here. Perhaps you have heard of them? Our murder rate is considered low for a city of our size.

We also have excellent modern hospitals based on actual science. Even our pets have access to excellent health care, much to the surprise of those who think they are simply expendable toys, perhaps since they lack human souls and are therefore not part of the chosen master species. Pretty shocking. Right?

We are already having trouble though. Our growth rate may be too high. It seems that many people, perhaps way too many, wish to share our fantastic standard of living and our lack of religious shackles. Oh, the humanity!

If you are the kind of person who religiously listens to Glenn Beck, then I implore you to do us all a favor and avoid us like the plague! Please! I'm begging you! God would not want you living in the sin that we do!!

I'm so worked up over the crappy city that I once lived in and still live near, that I'm going to storm out of my house, cross the street, climb down the gorgeous 200' of vertical hiking trail filled with trees and ferns, cross the road at the bottom, walk another 100' or so, and wade out into the same tiny river that is known for its salmon runs. It's a tough life here in the Pacific Northwest. I try to deal with it as best I can.

Seriously. I've walked down to that river at least three times in the past week. It is a great hardship. I'm especially annoyed by the patch of wild blackberries that I find along the way. No matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to resist the deliciously sinful free snacks. I am a slave to them, and that is just no way to live.

Seattle area! Sinful!! Stay away!!! This is your last warning!!!!

Glenn Beck? Are you out there? Somebody needs a hug for all that hate you've locked up inside. Is there a way we could meet on neutral ground? I can bring the dogs. A few good licks to the face could cheer you right up. It certainly couldn't hurt, lol. Sigh.


Soviet of Washington said...

Well, it doesn't quite have the punch of Emmett Watson, Mr. Lesser Seattle ("Keep the Bastards Out!"), does it?

Stagflationary Mark said...

Soviet of Wahington,

Indeed, lol.

I'm not trying to scare away *all* people, just those who might religiously listen to Glenn Beck and then move here with the intent to actively save me from a life of sin. ;)

Rob Dawg said...

Seattle if you pardon the expression is a fair weather town. Very nice when things are going well. It may not be Portland but then that's not a bad thing. Geography, climate, inability to self sustain, urban extent and density diversity of basic economy... I don't think I've ever listened to Glen Beck but I lean to his view n this one thing. In really bad times Seattle would be a poor choice.

Stagflationary Mark said...

Rob Dawg,

Any big city would be a poor choice in really bad times, religious or otherwise.

There sure aren't very many disaster movies that show people desperately trying to get INTO the big city when the @#$% hits the fan.