The 5 Keys to Improving Productivity

May 4, 2016
Wall Street Joirnal: U.S. Productivity Shrinks Again in First Quarter

I have compiled a list of things you can do to improve the productivity of some companies. It does not directly apply to all companies. There's only so much I can do to fix our nation's problems in just one day, but it's better than nothing.

How to Calculate Productivity in Telemarketing

When running a telemarketing call center, you need to track your productivity. If you are under-productive, then you need to make managerial changes in order to help figure out why your productivity is low.

1. You must steal at least one minute of your victim's productivity for each minute that your telemarketers are making their sales pitches. Many victims will attempt to do other things while your telemarketers are talking. Do not allow this to happen. It is important that you tell your victims to turn the televisions off and cease their internet surfing.

2. You must block incoming calls from other telemarketing companies who are attempting to steal the productivity of your workers. That's why it is important to add all of your telemarketers to the government's secret national "do not call telemarketers" list. Unlike the public "do not call" list for consumers, you must honor this list. It is very important that you do not call other telemarketers if you wish them not to call you.

3. You must only hire aggressive telemarketers. The more timid ones tend to chitchat about anything grandma wants to talk about. While this might increase the chances of making the sale, the extra time spent being polite and talkative can really ruin your company's productivity.

4. Rotate your outgoing telephone numbers from a pool of thousands. It's also important to name the numbers "cell phone" instead of your actual company's name. This will disorient your smarter victims and potentially make your company a possible friend. This is especially true if your scripted dialogue begins with "Hello, friend!"

5. Remind your telemarketers that unlike rape, when your victims say no, they really mean yes. Do not take no for an answer. Continue to violate their productivity until your productivity turns positive. Call them often until they finally submit, much like a stalker would.

Happy hunting! Together, we can make America's productivity great again!

Too much sarcasm? I beg to differ!