Wednesday, August 5, 2015

First World Problem of the Day

August 5, 2015
Whole Foods oops: 'Asparagus water' a mistake

"We actually don't sell asparagus water in our stores," Burkhart told USA TODAY.

The bottles, priced at $5.99, have since been pulled from shelves.

A mistake? The bottles clearly had asparagus in them, they were labeled as asparagus water, and were on the shelves for $5.99. So what was the mistake? Why was Whole Foods shamed into removing them? It makes no sense.

If you are like me, then you wake up each and every morning with a huge craving for all things asparagus. And what could be more satisfying than a nice room temperature glass of asparagus water to start your day?

$5.99? It's a bargain at any price. So imagine my horror that another big corporation has once again shamefully buckled under the pressure of a social media criticism that started to trend. How am I going to get my frickin' asparagus water now?

How will I brush my teeth? Common tap water is so yesterday!

How will I wash my hair? Once you've tried asparagus water, there's just no going back!

How will I bathe? Asparagus water and bath salts is the penultimate experience! Even carrots and onions could not improve it, no matter how steaming hot the asparagus water gets!

How will I wash my luxury car? There's no shine like an asparagus shine!

Have you tried asparagus water lemonade? Died and went to heaven! Seriously. The angels even sent me back for the recipe! That's how good it tasted!!

One year, while driving through Death Valley, my car overheated. Thank God I had asparagus water! Apparently, it can replace radiator fluid in a pinch. Frickin' miracle if you ask me! This coming from an agnostic with seriously atheist tendencies! Nearly made a true believer out of me!!

Asparagus water! It's not just for breakfast, a pre-lunch treat, lunch, an afternoon refreshment, dinner, and a nightcap any more! A mistake? I THINK NOT!!

I am incredibly put out right now. Those modern social media types can be so cruel!! Why must they heckle every brilliant idea that comes along?


mab said...

How will I bathe? Asparagus water and bath salts is the penultimate experience!

Just wondering, what is the ultimate experience? And why are you settling for second best? ;)

Don't you mean a laughing Swede?>

Stagflationary Mark said...


Hahaha! Only you would notice!!

If you must know what the ultimate experience is, imagine that the world's oceans are made of asparagus water. Now picture yourself on the deck of the SS Ourang Medan with a Screaming Viking in one hand and an asparagus water chaser in the other. But that's not all. It isn't a cruise ship. You are on a secret voyage to hunt the elusive asparagus water snipe! And when you finally meet it, good or bad, you know that you will have one hell of a story to tell if you actually survive the encounter! ;)

Stagflationary Mark said...

SS Ourang Medan

mab said...

Only you would notice

I seriously doubt that.

In any event, I couldn't resist for "second". Especially since the first offense was yours - you used the word "first" in the title of the post!!!

Stagflationary Mark said...


I can't believe you, you're so weird. You don't say anything all day and then when you open your unload all these tremendous lies all over me! - Claire, Breakfast Club (1985)

Hahaha! :)