Saturday, August 8, 2015

10 Reasons I Can Never Become President of the United States

1. I am not a Republican. Just alienated about half the population.

2. I am only a Democrat because I am definitely not a Republican. Just alienated more than half of the rest more than likely.

3. I am an agnostic with seriously atheist tendencies. Just alienated more people. Not sure how many. Most may be Republicans who I have already alienated.

4. Although I have been with my girlfriend for 15 years and have never thought to cheat on her, I am not married. Oh the humanity! Just alienated some more people.

5. I do not believe that ALL illegal immigrants are rapists. I have now alienated many more along our southern border and elsewhere. Am I wrong to think this way? I'd like to think that I could walk through a "gang" of ten female illegal aliens and their female illegal alien children without being raped ten times. Maybe that's just me. Or maybe this guy just needs to drop a few pounds and wear more provocative clothing?

6. Not sure where I stand on global warming. All I can say for sure is that it is been incredibly hot this summer in the Pacific Northwest. Oh, my. I just alienated all those who are absolutely convinced one way or the other.

7. I'm an introvert with sarcastic tendencies. I don't think I could tell a million people face to face that their baby is the most beautiful baby that I have ever seen, at least not without sorting them from ugliest to most beautiful first, and then conveniently forgetting all previous babies I have ever seen. Perhaps I could improve my lying skills over time, but there are other things I'd rather do.

8. Speaking of babies, the only children we have are our pets. We treat them like children but many would consider that bats%^t crazy. Just alienated those people too. In any event, our "children" would be difficult to display as well-behaved trophies on campaign tours. At least one of them might bark inappropriately, thereby proving to some what a horrible president I would be.

9. Can't do the power struggle handshake and back pat while encroaching on someone else's personal space and grinning ear to ear. Creeps me out. Makes me nauseous when I see it. Makes me lose hope all hope in the political system. I'm pretty sure that it is a must have political skill when dealing with people you despise though, especially in the presence of cameras. Or so many politicians wouldn't do it!

10. And lastly, and most importantly, the only way I could possibly be elected with all these negatives is if "they" were really, really desperate for a scapegoat. I did not just fall off the back of a turnip truck though! Let someone else do the job! Heck, if all else fails, outsource it to China! They have already proven willing to do the jobs Americans don't want!!


mab said...

Not sure where I stand on global warming.

Say What? Haven't you seen the polar bear pictures? Where's your empathy?

Stagflationary Mark said...


Empathy Bear feels your pain